Sunday, December 12, 2010

Assclowns of the Week Year #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition








(Photoshopped pic courtesy of my sis Alicia Morgan at Last Left Turn B4 Hooterville.)

(By way of a pre-introduction, if you could spare a few dollars to help out Mrs. JP and me just before the holiday season, any help would be greatly appreciated. I just got my weekly UI benefits reduced by $25. We both really are looking for work but if you're in your 50's and have been unemployed beyond a certain time, you find out pretty fast what a cold, cruel world it can be. But even if you can't, I still hope you enjoy this year-end retrospective, my Xmas present to you all, half as much I had writing it. Happy Holidays.)

Oh, America, how could you? After the GOP (7) stonewalled America practically back into the Dark Ages of Bush the Younger (45) and after amply demonstrating time and again that they didn’t have any ideas beyond “Repeal health care reform!” and “Cut taxes!”, what do we then go and do? You (10) give them control of the House, which is like giving a drunk the keys to a brakeless cement mixer after making him stand by the side of the road incorrectly and incoherently reciting the alphabet.

And this unusually vicious midterm election cycle provided yours truly with roughly half his annual retrospective of the 50 worst assclowns the US had to offer in 2010. At least New England managed a clean sweep so the American voter can at least give itself a love tap on the back if not a full-fledged pat. Then again, we’d also voted out of office liberal stalwarts like Alan Grayson and Russ Feingold while also saying goodbye to Joe Sestak and Patrick Kennedy.

But not all this year’s dishonorees were midterm-related. There was also Lady Gaga (50), Andrew Breitbart (16), Jon Stewart (40) and the US Supreme Court (3). So hop aboard the flaming shit wagon that’s barreling toward America as we review these assclowns of 2010 and much, much more!

50) Lady Gaga



Madonna v 1.1, overrated, heavily-engineered siren barely more real than the Alan Parsons Project or bottle blonde bozo who plasters dead animals on her naked body? You make the call. Gaga probably wouldn’t have made this list on the strength of her coming out swinging in favor of gay rights, revitalizing the sagging music industry and for providing a swan dance for an incredible old veteran of the discos of the 70’s. But, OMFG, a meat dress? And who in their right mind would get hammered and crash the locker room of a bunch of aging has-beens like the New York Yankees?


Yeah, same to you, too, hun. And while you’re desperately seeking your inner Susan, welcome to the list.

49) Mel Gibson


It’s a helluva trick to make America long for better, flash-in-the-pan Australian celebrity imports like Yahoo Serious and Paul Hogan yet somehow woman beater Mel Gibson managed it with just a single phone call. His racist and misogynistic rant to professional celebrity stalker and former squeeze Oksana Grigorieva automatically catapulted him to the top of the talk shows in a way that no Gibson movie has since the virulently anti-Semitic Passion of the Christ. In fact, it’s hard to tell for which reason Gibson belongs on this list: For his racism and misogynism or for being a world famous celebrity stupid enough to go on a racist, misogynistic rant over the telephone without once assuming that a gold digger like Grigorieva wouldn’t be recording it for fame and fortune.

48) Rich Iott


If anyone puts the “Iott” in “idiot”, it’s this Ohio Republican congressional wannabe. Even in our prurient, “Gotcha” day and age, Rich Iott thought it would be a good idea to dress like a Nazi, have several photos taken of him in his Col. Klink Halloween costume then run for public office a few years later without anyone bringing up his Nazi-sympathizing past. Then again, Republicans belong to the party of No, not the party of “No Way am I Dressing up Like a Nazi and Running for National Office.” Iott thought that glorifying the Wiking Stormtroopers of the second World War would be a great bonding experience with his son. The only problem is the people whose battles they were re-enacting were the 5th SS Panzer Division Wiking, which murdered Jews in Eastern Europe. When asked what the hell he was thinking when he thought it would be a good idea of dress up like a Jew killer and run around in the woods, Iott made the mistake of doubling down and insisting that their history had fascinated him from a purely academic viewpoint. Uh huh.

Come election day last month, his incumbent Democratic opponent, Marcy Kaptur, sent Iott to the showers, pun intended. Guess Iott didn’t anticipate that pesky little anti-Nazi voting bloc in Ohio’s 9th district.

47) George Rekers


Looks like homophobe Rev. George Rekers’ homophobia was MIA at MIA when he was caught in the company of a, ahem, male escort. Because the young man seen next to him at Miami International Airport was ostensibly treated by Rekers to a European vacation strictly for full body massages and for… carrying luggage? Oops. Now, the guy who’d made a very handsome living as an “expert” court witness for FL AG Bill McCollum against gay rights has to lug around a lot more baggage than he’d like for trying to pretend that he didn’t know he’d brought along a male prostitute from Rentboy.com. Jesus’ General only portrays a repressed homosexual who glorifies manly physical contact while denying homoerotic feelings. But Rekers is the real thing, making him not only a virtual stereotype, the sexually hypocritical Bible-thumper, but a living caricature of a liberal blog persona.

46) Bishop Eddie Long


And while we’re on the subject of hypocritical Bible-thumpers, let’s review the case of Bishop Eddie Long, the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church money vacuum who’d once had the audacity to start an anti gay march in Atlanta from The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King’s grave. Last September, it was reported that Eddie Long was accused in two separate lawsuits of seducing two barely-legal male parishioners and was later sued by a third. Then a fourth. Then a fifth. Obviously, they’re spurious charges. After all, we’re talking about a man who photographs himself half naked in the bathroom, sends them to teenaged boys, surrounds himself with young men and is a fabulous dresser.

After the 4th lawsuit was filed, Long told his still-zombified supporters, “we will arise.” Really? Is that with or without Viagra, Eddie?

45) George W. Bush


The formerly silent George W. Bush made a successful late bid for this retrospective completely on the strength of his memoir, Decision Points that, strictly by coincidence, wasn’t officially released by Random House’s Crown Publishing until a week after Election Day. It also wasn’t officially disclosed that Bush’s book, like Sarah Palin’s, was ghost-written.

Among the many disclosures:

  • Our dear “War President” resisted the idea of going to war with Iraq when everyone else wanted to.

  • That he authorized waterboarding and that it saved lives.

  • That he was afraid of making Dick Cheney mad by not pardoning Scooter Libby.

  • The “Mission Accomplished” speech was a mistake.

  • Who knew 9/11 was going to happen?

  • The worst moment of his presidency didn’t involve thousands of US deaths overseas, over a million deaths in Iraq, 9/11 or the loss of a major city but when Kanye West said he didn’t care about black people.

  • A few days after these grim fairy tales came out, it was revealed that Bush heavily plagiarized from his own aides as well as from magazine and newspaper clippings, meaning the lazy cocksucker got paid a $7,000,000 advance to have someone else copy and paste words he didn’t even write.

    Bush obviously, is looking for redemption, so here’s an idea: Considering the obvious lapses in truth and the shameless, undeclared plagiarism, the best obvious use for the millions of copies in the first press run would be to dump them in New Orleans’ 9th Ward so they can help shore up the crumbling levees that Bush neglected before Katrina. Because after the wrecking balling this country took during his banana republic dictatorship, that’s the only possible way Bush can achieve any kind of redemption.

    44) James O’Keefe


    What’s worse than a “failed punk”? A successful one. Last September, Jailbird James O’Keefe, who got off to a roaring start by trying to break into Senator Mary Landrieu’s office in January, tried to engineer a Gotcha moment involving CNN correspondent Abbie Boudreau. Once again, he slipped into Pimp Daddy mode and planned to “seduce” Boudreau in some Three Stooges/Hope and Crosby attempt to show up a real journalist. Then O’Keefe’s plan, which was outlined in loving detail, was derailed when he was sold out by one of his own cohorts who thought O’Keefe’s planned seduction was beyond the pale.

    Looking back on his and Andrew Breitbart’s antics, it’s impossible to grasp what it is about these pretentious peckerheads that’s so credible that ACORN can get defunded by Congress and Agriculture officials are immediately fired. Maybe they’re appealing to the reptilian part of the human brain that reacts to the word “Fire!” in a crowded theater. But apparently it’s the only part of the human brain to which they themselves have the intellectual capacity to appeal.

    43) Meg Whitman


    If not breaking the glass ceiling, former eBay CEO Meg Whitman helped prove one thing: Even if you spend $142,000,000 on a gubernatorial election, you still may not win. It was a lesson also taught by former HP chairwoman Carly Fiorina and former WWE chairwoman Linda McMahon. Despite the fact these three female captains of industry pumped enough of their own money into their campaigns to absolve the Third World of virtually all its debt, they all still lost.

    Of course, it could be that Whitman’s past as well as a slick Jerry Brown comeback campaign, is what caught up to her. There was that pesky slapping incident, that pesky Goldman Sachs impropriety, that pesky undocumented alien that she’d used for a maid for over a decade then blamed everyone from her husband to the liberal media incident… Well, you get the idea. And after all that moolah that was thrown into the toilet in a losing cause, I guess, to paraphrase California’s outgoing Governor, “she won’t be back.”

    42) John McCain


    Ya gotta give a 74 year-old guy who can’t raise his arms over his shoulders a lotta credit for being able to flip flop as often as he does. And aside from the waste of space, trace elements and oxygen that John McCain is, the worst waste we saw this year was of manpower on Capitol Hill when McCain played the cranky old man before Joint Chiefs Chairman Admiral Mike Mullen during the DADT hearings. McCain keeps changing the rules. First, he wanted consensus among military leaders regarding DADT’s repeal. When he got it, he then asked for a study supporting its repeal. When he got a 10 month study doing so, McCain then asked for other conditions:

  • He had to get the opinion of his buddies from the Boer War.

  • He complained it would cost the government millions to make uniform pants with zippers in the front and back.

  • He accused George Takei of writing the Pentagon Study.

  • “During battle, the 1st thought that went through my mind was, Did the guy next to me suck cock last night?”

  • John, you’re old, in the way and the world really has changed since you fought alongside gays against the Persians at Thermopylae.

    41) Unicredit America


    It’s one thing to heartlessly foreclose on a family’s home after they were lured into a too-good-to-be-true mortgage scam and it’s another thing to deliberately bypass laws and use sheer force of numbers to make judges rubber stamp foreclosure proceedings without due process. But Unicredit America’s own scam took heartlessness to a whole new level. They set up a fake courtroom, replete with fake subpoenas, fake judges, fake sheriff’s deputies and fake lawyers to scare people into forking over money and other possessions without due process. Imagine their surprise when the Pennsylvania Attorney General’s Office showed them how real cops, real judges and real lawyers with real subpoenas actually work.

    40) Jon Stewart


    Jon, move on over to camera 3 so we can have a private heart to heart.

    OK, you got me. Ha ha. Fool me once, and all that. Yep, you got Mr. & Mrs. JP to spontaneously hit the road like a Flomax/Viagra/Grecian Formula commercial gone over budget and made us drive almost 1000 miles over 22 hours to see one hour of your rally without actually telling us exactly why you were having one or why we should go. It influenced no legislation, nothing was changed and a few businesses and vendors (although none were allowed at the rally) made some coin on the side. Ha ha fucking ha. Good on you.

    But, Jon, you really went over the line by making false moral equivalencies by saying that we are as much to blame for the antipolitical hysteria as the Beck 912ers and Tea Baggers. We’re not the ones who throw bricks through congressional office windows, threaten Congressmen with death, bring guns to rallies, call black Congressmen “nigger”, call the President a Muslim, Socialist, Nazi, Communist and question the place of his birth. If we wanted to hear someone cut the Tea Party some slack, Jon, we could’ve just listened to Joe Biden and saved ourselves about $300. You also don’t get to make the “clown nose on, clown nose off” defense and try to portray yourself as a comedian while taking us to task for actions of which we’re not guilty. Now shut the fuck up and continue making jokes.

    39) Phil Davison aka Matt Foley


    For once, words and satire fail me so I rest my case.

    38) Andy Harris

    Then there was incoming GOP congressman Andy Harris, who last month at a Congressional orientation meeting a month and a half before his inauguration whined that he’d have to wait 28 days for his free government health care instead of getting it immediately. This clown ran on an anti Obamacare platform against his Democratic rival, Blue Dog Frank Kratovil, who voted against health care reform. “This is the only employer I’ve ever worked for where you don’t get coverage the first day you are employed,” he pissed and moaned through his spokeswoman, Anna Nix. In the real world, Andy, the rest of us have to work our asses off for 90 days after getting hired before our benefits kick in. Then we have to pay through the nose for our health insurance. That is, if it’s available to us.

    37) Christine O’Donnell


    Welcome to JP’s new feature, How to Get a Book Contract in 5 Easy Lessons.

    1) Spring out of nowhere, especially an obscure state that even cartographers have to struggle to remember.
    2) Decide to run as a Republican for a high public office for which you’re vastly unqualified (the Republican Party is a crucial, all-important choice).
    3) Say the stupidest things you can possibly think of (you may want to start back in the mid 90’s and use Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow to work for you). Say that you’d keep the whole country from masturbating if you could and that you dabbled in witchcraft. Complete ignorance of the US Constitution wouldn’t hurt, either.
    4) End up at the bottom of a landslide on schedule.
    5) Give a bizarre “concession” speech making demands and saying you scored a huge victory despite losing by 17 points.

    Eventually, literary agents will flock to you like a swarm of male dung beetles in heat until, voila! Instant book deal! Following these steps will automatically get you an ISBN number and the dubious title of "author". Hey, it worked for Sarah Palin. And even if you’re not intellectually endowed to spray paint instructions on the street for the DPW, well, what do you think ghost-writing hacks are for? Who cares whether or not you wrote it? Do you think Krusty the Clown really made that cereal that features him on the box?

    Next week’s lesson: How to get a book deal under an assumed name by pretending to be a plumber and acting like a right wing man-penis…

    36) Linda McMahon


    Linda McMahon came around at a time at the exact moment the GOP needed some class, sophistication and brains. For instance, McMahon said she was in favor of actually lowering the minimum wage, saying that we should let our economic stewards in the corporate sector determine how much their rank and file should make. Later she said she didn’t even know how much the minimum wage was. Before that, McMahon said the WWE was “just another soap opera.” Sure, Linda. The WWE has storylines but here’s the difference: Soap opera actors don’t drop like flies from steroid and other drug use.

    But Linda thinks steroids aren’t harmful at all and said there weren't long-term studies of the effects of steroid use if you discount this one and this one and this one (even if that was true, it would be most likely because the subjects often die within a few years). McMahon spent $50,000,000 of her own blood money but still got body-slammed by CT AG Richard Blumenthal. Here’s to the high life.

    35) Carl Paladino


    “Crazy Carl” Paladino picked the perfect color scheme for his own quixotic campaign for Governor of New York because the orange and black underscored the fact that every day was Halloween for Carl. When it was revealed that Paladino fathered a child during an affair, he then tried to make it sound alright and that his rival, Andrew Cuomo, also had an affair (without showing a shred of proof). When the New York Post’s Fred Dicker asked Cuomo for the evidence, Paladino threatened Dicker on camera and told him he was going “to take (him) out.” His own bizarre concession speech made Christine O’Donnell’s look like the Gettysburg Address by conspicuous relief.

    He’s also a homophobe who’s more like a caricature. Oh, and he also has questionable taste in emails. So, to recap: He threatened to whack reporters, is afraid of gays, loves to send and receive pornographic, racist emails… I can’t understand why he lost by 25 points. Can you?

    34) Simon & Schuster


    First there was Pam Geller. Then there was Glenn Beck’s ghost-written The Overton Window and his multi book deal. Those were precisely the moments when American literacy began circling the toilet, when scumbag literary agents like Scott Mendel of the Mendel Media Group and George Hiltzik of N.S. Bienstock, respectively, sought to represent Geller and Beck, two alarmist, Islamophobic liars who between them hardly ever got a fact right except through the immutable law of averages. I can understand a right wing sewer like Threshold publishing racist anti-Obama lies by Geller and a sneering little dirtbag cocksucker like Jason Mattera. But when a supposedly responsible major publisher like Simon & Schuster decides to partner with these sleazemeisters for the express purpose of making money and leaving flaming derelict cars on the information superhighway, it certainly marks the beginning of the end of western literacy.

    33) Newt Gingrich


    Besides forming exploratory commissions that tell him every four years that no one wants him as president, Newt Gingrich stays busy inveighing against Muslims and starting and propagating lies about them. The Cordoba Center is the most notable example from the past year. It didn’t matter that the Cordoba Community Center was not a mosque, nor would it be closer than two blocks from the GOP-sanctified Ground Zero. It also doesn’t matter that this former college professor made the stupendous blunder of accusing Obama of being a Kenyan anti-colonialist or shrieking incoherently about Sharia law being imposed on the United States.

    Gee, Newt, maybe that’s why your presidential exploration committees keep telling you time after time why you’re simply unelectable…

    32) Sharron Angle


    Sharron “Far Right” Angle had to be given credit for giving “Give ‘Em Head” Harry Reid the run of his life up until Election Day. The Tea Party’s candidate to challenge the Senate Majority Leader was somehow able to whip up support despite her dismal record as a Nevada legislator. In fact, her position paper would read like something written by The Onion or National Lampoon. For instance, in true Republican fashion, Angle would love to eliminate the Dept. of Education, endorses our withdrawl from the UN as well as the privatization of Medicare, thinks marriage should be between a man and a woman, denies global warming, that Social Security should “be transitioned out”, etc. Then she went on a one-way excursion into Crazy Base World by spouting conspiracies about fluorine in the drinking water and talking about “2nd amendment remedies” if not enough Tea Bagging Republicans are elected.

    One gets the feeling that if the election had been held a month later, she would’ve called for the denial of gravity and a global investigation as to whether the world is flat or round.

    31) Darrel Issa


    Last October, Rep. Darrel Issa (R-GTA), the presumptive chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, said there was “(n)ot a chance” that he’d move to impeach the president. Uh huh. Well, just four days before he promised to hold the Obama administration accountable “like they’ve never been held accountable.” Uh huh. Riiiight. The Republican Party has never held Obama accountable for anything, including giving a pep talk to our nation’s kids on the first day of school? Issa is doing this under the guise of “making the Obama administration a success"… yet another major Republican priority… through several hundred letters of inquiry. Which is kind of like Hamidou’s dedication to making Billy Hayes a model prisoner through butt-fucking and bastinado.

    And just last October, Issa told Rush Limbaugh that President Obama was “one of the most corrupt presidents in modern times.” To his credit, despite audiotape evidence, Issa, the wealthiest member of Congress, set the record straight by claiming on CNN, “Do I think the president is personally corrupt? No. I should never have implied that or created that in a quick statement on a radio call-in.” But I just thought I'd put the thought out there again, in case some of you missed it.

    After carping that the Democrats shut him out in his requests for hearings on worthy causes, Issa is now poised to hold at least 280 hearings a year, about 99% of which seem to be dedicated to investigating the Obama administration. Also to his credit, he said that several of those letters of inquiry are directed at the long-defunct Bush administration. Gee, Darrel, not a moment too soon, too, since we can all appreciate how courageous it is to wait ten years before trying to investigate or impeach a retired president.

    30) WH Press Secretary Robert Gibbs


    White House spinmeister Robert Gibbs created an uproar and a spot for himself on this list by squirting sewage last summer about “the professional left” and that we “ought to be drug tested.” In taking swipes of Obama’s base (and with the full-throated support of the administration), Gibbs then resorted to wild hyperbole about liberals. A sample: “They will be satisfied when we have Canadian healthcare and we’ve eliminated the Pentagon. That’s not reality.” That’s right. It’s not (except for the part about Canadian-style health care). Gibbs is in no position to be talking about drug-testing considering who he works for. And in resorting to right wing talking points and exaggeration, Gibbs became virtually indistinguishable from all four of Bush’s press secretaries and the right wing lunatics on Red State and Free Republic. Informed or no, the citizenry criticizing the president is permissible, healthy and, in some circles, even encouraged. That’s called the First Amendment, Bobby, something with which more educated and educable press secretaries are familiar.

    29) Joe Miller and Drop Zone Security


    If there’s anything we liberals and conservatives can agree on, it’s our nation’s need for more Republicans like Norm Coleman. Because even though Joe Miller lost his bid for the Senate to incumbent write-in candidate Lisa Murkowski, he’s still fighting like hell to subvert the voice of the people.

    Perhaps the most infamous moment of Miller’s campaign was when he hired a company named Drop Zone to do his personal security during a rally he’d held in a middle school. Tony Hopfinger, editor of Alaska Dispatch, wanted to ask Miller some questions on camera then before he knew it, he was detained by Miller’s Men in Black. So who are these fine, upstanding young men? Meet the boys of Drop Zone.



    This is the world headquarters of Joe Miller’s hired security/bounty hunting firm (located right on, oddly enough, McCain Loop). Note the Gadsden flag proudly flapping in the arctic breeze.



    From this angle, you can see the full scope and breadth of this security powerhouse. From this angle, you get a sense of a cross between Blackwater and a Photo Hut kiosk. Note the eagle-eyed young man peering at the Google surveyor, ready to shoot him on sight if he takes too many more surveillance photos. (Fun fodder: If you view these street view photos in 3-D mode with 3-D glasses, they’ll give you a more vivid sense of just how seedy this place really is.) Obviously, poor Joe did the best his low budget would allow and you can tell he really did his research. But, hey, don’t believe me. Let’s listen to testimonials from almost two dozen satisfied patrons!
    Last summer, me and a friend visited the Drop Zone while looking for army surplus rain pants. William Fulton and two other "employees" were working at the time. They were all openly drinking beer, and clearly inebriated. This was in the middle of a summer day. The owner and his employess engaged in openly rascist conversations with another customer, and when I inquired about a price, I was asked if I was a "dirty f@#$!@ jew." I am not jewish. Begrudginly, I decided to pay for this item, but was refereed to as a "dirty f@#@# jew" three more times by an obviously intoxicated William Fulton. A friend of mine told me about his visit to the drop zone, and said that the owner and several others were openly drinking beer, while working on and manipulating AR-15 rifles. This people are clearly militia/white supremacist wannabe scumbags. Please be informed before deciding to patronize this business....

    Hm. Maybe Mel Gibson works there parttime. Here’s another excerpt, from a 5 star review:
    Another thing I'd like to point out is the man who owns this store has an incredibly big heart. He only hires former military who can't get a job anywhere else.They generally have PTSD, or are having a hard time transitioning into civilian life whatever the reason.

    Then there’s this:
    DropZone advertises itself on Google as a "Security Guard Service" but is not licensed. It's reportedly now under investigation by the Alaska Department of Public Safety over licensing issues, per recent stories in the Anchorage Press and Alaska Dispatch.

    Licensing? Emotional and mental stability? Who needs it? It just adds to the excitement of the experience.

    Note: For extra fun, here’s the owner’s email address: dzfoxfire@hotmail.com

    28) Michael Steele

    Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele found himself and the RNC in some hot mud jello water when it came out back in March that his people had blown nearly $2000 at a lesbian strip club named Voyeur West Hollywood. The RNC raised almost $100,000,000 in ’09 and, at the time of the scandal, they had only $10,000,000 left. Maybe those young Republicans were stuffing something more substantial than one dollar bills in those G strings.

    So, you may ask, why is Steele on this list when the Chairman wasn’t even at the strip club but on a jet coming back from the annual winter meeting? Oh, ye of little faith. Have you also forgotten about Steele’s historical revision when he said that President Barack Obama started the Afghan war? Or when Steele whipped out the race card on Good Morning America and said he had a “slimmer margin of error” because he was black?

    As Robert Gibbs observed, “I think Michael Steele's problem isn't the race card, it's the credit card.”

    27) Ken Salazar


    In the first days of the Obama administration, new Interior Secretary Ken Salazar stalked into Denver and announced there was a tough new sheriff in town, sort of like Gary Cooper in High Noon. By the time of the BP oil disaster less than 16 months later, it was obvious that we had Barney Fife, instead.


    Lord only knows what Obama was thinking when he made Salazar the new Interior Sheriff. Maybe he was thinking he needed someone who never met an oil cartel he didn’t love. But it came out in the first days after the explosion that the drug and porno den named the Minerals Management Service that he vowed to clean up issued countless dispensations and oil leases to companies that wanted to drill offshore without first filing environmental impact reports or obey any other pesky laws. And even after the Deepwater Horizon explosion that killed 11 workers and resulted in tens of millions of barrels of crude oil being spewed into the ecosystem, they continued to do so.

    Hey, Barry, I’d suggest a new Interior sheriff for your second term, if you get a second term. How about Joe Arpaio? He may be a racist psychopath but at least “America’s Toughest Sheriff” comes as advertised.

    26) Glenn Beck


    "Fall to your knees and thank God for Fox News. Pray for Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch. Pray for them. Pray for strength and spine, and pray that everybody involved has chicken salad for lunch so it doesn't clog anybody's arteries. Keep them going." — Glenn Beck, The Howard Beale Show The Glenn Beck Program, May 27, 2010

    It’s hard to believe that Glenn Beck is broke. This past year, Glenn Beck’s income was estimated by Alan Grayson’s staff to be $33,000,000, or two and a half times Sarah Palin’s and roughly eight times George W. Bush’s. What largely accounted for Beck’s income was his gig on Fox “News” that consists almost entirely of misspelling words while screaming about conspiracies about Obama and bas reliefs, a paid sponsoring gig with Goldline and a multi-book deal with the tragically uninformed and/or unethical Simon & Schuster.

    Glenn Beck, like Jon Stewart two months after him, massed about 85,000 912ers and Tea Baggers into Washington, DC for no apparent reason. However, Stewart and Stephen Colbert didn’t have their rally on the 47th anniversary of Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech on the National Mall. For good measure, Beck last month also hyped the ridiculous right wing meme that President Obama’s trip to Asia cost over $200,000,000 a day. Where were these fiscal conservatives and presidential watchdogs in 2005 when Bush made a special trip on Air Force One to Washington, DC from Crawford, Texas to sign a single sheet of paper that tried to keep a brain dead woman alive?

    25) Tucker Carlson

    In what had to be one of the most self-embarrassing fuckups of the year this side of Jimmy “The Pimp” O’Keefe, Tucker Carlson last month somehow got ahold of the Keitholbermann.com URL and began sending out childish emails to a misguided reporter named Stan Byofsky at the Philadelphia Daily News. Stan had written to who he thought was Olbermann and got a series of scathing, defamatory emails designed to get Olbermann in hot water. Like his old foil, Jon Stewart, Carlson used the old “clown nose off, clown nose on” defense and said when the jig was up, “Could you resist? It was just too funny. The flesh is weak.” But not as weak as Tucker’s mind or sense of humor, apparently. He also didn’t bother to explain, while making it sound like pure happenstance, why he bought the Olbermann URL, in the first place.

    24) Lloyd Blankfein


    If Homer Simpson and Mr. Burns had a love child, the product would be Lloyd Blankfein.

    In November ‘09, Blankfein actually said investment bankers were “doing God’s work.” That same month, when he was outed by the blistering Times.co.uk article that quoted him, he also admitted to the National Association of Corporate Directors, "We participated in things that were clearly wrong and have reason to regret... We apologize." They rewarded him that night by making him CEO of the Year. This past year during his arrogant, snotty testimony before Congress, Blankfein, a guy that Treasury Secretary Tim “Eraserhead” Geithner sees more often than Congress, made Goldman Sachs the most loathed corporation on earth even after the BP explosion two and a half weeks earlier on April 10th.

    It’s tough not to see why. Despite his alleged contrition to his peers at the NACD, there was no admission of wrongdoing before the Senate Banking Committee. Despite Committee Chairman Carl Levin’s constant pounding for straight answers, Blankfein and six other Goldman executives before him essentially stonewalled the Senate with outright lies and attitude and even defended making “shitty deals” involving toxic mortgage-backed securities to clients and then betting against them. Blankfein’s defense was essentially, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, another DADT that should be repealed. Apparently, the Lord works in mysterious, and unethical, ways.

    23) Halliburton


    Good old, dependable Halliburton not only made the list just in the nick of time but earned a spot in the top half just a few days ago when word broke that they were offering the stupendously corrupt Nigerian government half a billion dollars to keep Dick Cheney out of prison after it had just decided to charge Cheney with 16 counts of acting like Nigeria. Says Global Post, which broke the news of the payoff:
    Nigeria's anti-corruption agency charged Cheney as the head of Halliburton when its engineering subsidiary, KBR, allegedly paid bribes totaling $180 million to secure contracts worth $6 billion.

    KBR has admitted to bribing officials. Last year the company pleaded guilty in a U.S. federal court to paying the bribes to Nigerian officials… Cheney's lawyer dismissed the new Nigerian charges as "entirely baseless."

    In response, Nigeria’s “anti-corruption agency” announced it had begun negotiations with Halliburton, without, of course, mentioning the half billion dollars chucked under the negotiating table. Then there’s this tidbit:
    Babafemi did not confirm whether the anti-corruption agency will ultimately settle for a plea bargain. But similar deals have been reached with other foreign multinational companies that have recently been charged with corruption in Nigeria.

    Nice little cottage industry that anti-corruption agency in Nigeria has: Bark loud enough with convincing outrage in spite of being the most corrupt government on the entire African continent and eventually the companies will slip some moolah to shut you up. I wonder how much of that money will actually get to the people of Nigeria? Here's my guess.

    An interesting editorial from Nigerian journalist Angela Ajetunmobi reminds us that Halliburton had already bought their way out of trouble for the same scandal by bribing the SEC to the tune of $177 million in “fines.” Good old Dick. He’s the gift that just keeps on taking.

    22) Jan Brewer


    You have to admit it’s pretty ballsy for a woman like Jan Brewer (R-Forest Lawn), someone who essentially stole border security from the federal government by making illegal immigration a state matter, to then ask the president for National Guard troops and funding to secure the border.

    Then to show what an all around nice guy she was, Brewer then signed into law a bill banning multicultural studies, gratefully accepting, after badmouthing the stimulus, $185 million in federal stimulus funds without disclosing how it is to be spent except to say organ transplant candidates won’t see a nickel of it… Well, you get the idea. After chasing tens of thousands of Latinos both legal and otherwise and Lord knows how many businesses from Arizona, I guess she should get an A for smarts for accepting that stimulus money. But this is what you get when you have a mummified Republican skank for a Governor.

    21) Bank of America


    Well, talk about ingratitude! I know that each of us bailed out your banks only collectively and largely under protest but that still doesn’t mean you can steal homes that don’t even belong to you. I know it was tough acquiring Merrill Lynch (savvy investment, btw) and Countrywide and the growing pains while you burst your trousers and God knows how many anti-trust laws by 138% since the bailout. It must have been a blow to your corporate pride to accept three separate cash infusions totaling $138 billion from that pesky, intrusive federal government.

    No doubt embarrassed by all that free manna from nasty, regulatory dutch Uncle Sam, you had to make your money elsewhere. And what better way to do that than to steal homes that don’t even belong to you and to use amateur foreclosure mills that process up to 10,000 foreclosures a year without the slightest heed to due process or legalities? It’s so much faster than making money the old fashioned way, which is by loaning it out to people (the main reason for the bailout) one at a time then charging modest interest rates. Just stealing homes outright with the consent of the courts (especially in Florida) just cuts through a lot of red tape, doesn’t it?

    20) Carly Fiorina

    Carly Fiorina… Oh, just watch this demon sheep campaign ad (I promise, it’s not a spoof) and you’ll immediately understand why she made this list.

    Now, Carly Fiorina… OK, you can stop laughing, now. I mean it, I’m trying to work here.

    Carly Fiorina, former, fired head of HP may have gotten her well-toned ass slapped on her head by Barbara Boxer on Election Day but let’s not forget this lunatic actually won the GOP senate race nomination. Lord only knows how she managed that. As Chairwoman and CEO of Hewlett Packard, Fiorina oversaw some of the most massive tides of red ink in that company’s history. After taking over Compaq in 2002, Fiorina then laid off 30,000 workers and sending their jobs to China as a prelude to tripling her salary and buying herself a yacht and five corporate jets.

    Then she spent over $22 million dollars after having gotten just $22.6 million in campaign contributions, a fact that was perhaps not lost on anxious California residents facing a deep recession of their own and looking for someone more fiscally responsible. Come Election Day, the people of the Golden State spoke. How do you say “Bahhhh” backwards?

    19) Eric Cantor


    Maybe when presumptive House Majority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Knesset) was talking to Netanyahu last month, he was channeling the Zohan, maybe not. But when he confided to Israel’s Prime Minister that, in spite of what Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had told him that same day, the GOP would act as a check on Obama’s foreign policy pertaining to Israel, he committed a huge no no. Even a freshman congressman who has yet to be inaugurated knows that you never criticize your president nor openly oppose his policies foreign or domestic, especially to other heads of state. In a less forgiving time, we used to call that “treason”, an offense punishable by death.

    Plus, don’t you think that making Congress work for just 7½ months out of 12 is a little too lenient, considering how many problems you guys are going to be expected to deal with?

    18) Rush Limbaugh


    Justin Halpern, a formerly underachieving slacker who had somehow ingeniously found a way to live off his father in more than one way without showing the slightest amount of talent, should start a new Twitter feed: Shit Your Dad Says and ought to use Rush Limbaugh’s picture as his avatar. Because Rush Limbaugh is everyone’s right wing Dad from the 70’s, a real-life Red Forman minus the military experience, a real-life Archie Bunker minus the laughs (but hey, there’s always bathos, right?) Because only your right wing Dad would’ve said 30 or 40 years ago that Michelle Obama is getting a free pass from the media only because of “her slave past”, which, in Limbaugh’s lily-white, Oxycontin-gauzed world, is the only way a person of color can achieve any kind of popularity.

    For good measure, Rush made this august list way back at the beginning of ’10 by basically telling Haiti, “Fuck you, I gave at the office” after their devastating earthquake. He also claimed that President Obama also reacted so swiftly and decisively to the disaster because he wanted to cynically get the support of “light-skinned and dark-skinned black [communities] in this country” on his side. He also said that Obama (not Bush) created the recession to get back at white people for racism like… well, like Limbaugh’s.

    17) The Presidential Cat Food Commission


    Barack Obama making a Republican scumbag like Alan Simpson (R-The Crypt) the co-chair of the Cat Food Commission is a little like appointing Andrew Jackson to head up the Bureau of Indian Affairs. The results were predictable: The debt commission thought it would be a good idea to cut spending on Medicare, Social Security (even proposing raising the retirement age) and imposing a .15 tax on gasoline. They also thought that we could get a handle on the national debt by lowering the corporate tax rate.

    They didn’t think of letting the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest 2% expire, calling for an immediate end to two fruitless wars (although they did propose modest cuts to defense spending), ceasing giving tax breaks to oil and coal companies and other corporations who ship jobs overseas or worthless earmarks. But think how nice it’ll be to see flowers one more time just before we get turned into green Wheat Thins. And speaking of crackers...

    16) Andrew Breitbart


    In a sane world, when a racist junkyard dog like Andrew Breitbart starts snarling about reverse racism that doesn’t exist, people ought to light a match and open windows. Yet last summer, Andrew Breitbart, a man who is to intelligent discourse what flatulence is to digestion, accused Shirley Sherrod of racism by using a heavily edited video and got her fired by the Agriculture Department. Ironically, in the linked post, Breitbart piously begins with, “Context is everything.” Uh huh. So, apparently, is withholding context.

    Ms. Sherrod, in a video that was taped last year at an NAACP banquet, actually used an anecdote about a needy white farmer to inform us of how she overcame racial bias. But that wasn’t enough for Breitbart, who then started spreading lies about the NAACP. It’s hard to tell whose actions were more shameful: Breitbart for screaming about reverse racism that had long since been transcended or the Obama administration that’s always quick to throw under the wheels of the bus anyone of color with whom racist right wing nut jobs have a problem. And speaking of which...

    15) Allen West


    Maybe they thought they were voting for the guy who played Batman but against all odds, Islamophobic psychopath Alan West, a guy with a personality as flat as his haircut, somehow got elected to Congress out of Florida. Somehow, West thinks that TSA patdowns, intrusive as they are, are more intolerable than torturing Iraqi policemen and shooting loaded guns past their ears (which got him kicked out of the military).

    He also incited violence on a liberal reporter during a speech, called for people to “get (their) musket and fix their bayonet.” He’s against ER treatment for illegal immigrants, wants to abolish the progressive tax system as well as the Departments of Energy and Education and his first choice for chief of staff wanted all illegal aliens to be “hung on the central square.” He also writes for a Hell’s Angels wannabe klan who even did his security. Yeah, much better than Ron Klein.

    14) The TSA


    Riddle: What’s blue and is commonly referred to as a groper? If you answered either the fish above or a TSA official, you’d be right.

    From the TSA’s unforgivably out-of-date website:
    In an effort to concentrate resources on detecting explosive threats, TSA will no longer ban common lighters in carry-on luggage as of August 4, 2007. Torch lighters remain banned in carry-ons.

    Lifting the lighter ban is consistent with TSA's risk-based approach to aviation security. First and foremost, lighters no longer pose a significant threat. Freeing security officers up from fishing for 22,000 lighters every day (the current number surrendered daily across the country) enables them to focus more on finding explosives, using behavior recognition, conducting random screening procedures and other measures that increase complexity in the system, deterring terrorists. The U.S. is the only country in the world to ban lighters – all other nations, including Israel and the U.K., do not.

    Then the bottom of the same page, it says,
    TSA is also modifying the rules associated with carrying breast milk through security checkpoints. Mothers flying with, and now without, their child will be permitted to bring breast milk in quantities greater than three ounces as long as it is declared for inspection at the security checkpoint.

    Breast milk is in the same category as liquid medications. Now, a mother flying without her child will be able to bring breast milk through the checkpoint, provided it is declared prior to screening.

    OK, correct me if I’m wrong but neither Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (who started the new frenzy) or Richard Reid tried to use breast milk to detonate their clothing, right? So why does breast milk still have to be to be declared for inspection but a flammable device like a lighter does not?

    13) Rand Paul


    Senator-elect Rand Paul seems to save his best for the day after a victory. The day after winning the Kentucky GOP senate primary, Paul went on the Rachel Maddow Show and savaged the Civil Rights bill of 1964 because it infringed on the rights of business owners who just may not feel like serving dark folks. The next time, he didn’t even wait 24 hours. On Election Night, Rand Paul made the stunning observation that there are no rich, poor or middle class, that we’re all equal through interconnection, something that sounds suspiciously like… (gasp!) Socialism!

    Then, a week before Election Day, Tim Profitt, a campaign coordinator for Paul, threw to the ground and curb-stomped Moveon activist Lauren Valle and dislocated her shoulder. After the incident, Paul not only issued a public statement actually expressing relief that she wasn’t hurt but Profitt even demanded an apology from his victim. Despite all this, Kentucky still thought that Paul would make a corking good replacement for Jim Bunning. Obviously, the sourmash was flowing freely that night in the Blue Grass State.

    12) Lou Dobbs


    Now, let’s a take a break from this heavy political content so Uncle JP can read you the next exciting chapter of “Immorality Tales.” This one is called Lou “Lard of the Manor” Dobbs and the Poor Brown People. Once upon a time there was a man named Lou Dobbs. Louie was an aspiring president and he made a very handsome living on CNN inveighing against illegal aliens and the unscrupulous bad men who illegally employed them. In fact, Lou made so much money hating undocumented brown people that he used a lot of them to care for his champion horses and palatial mansion. Shades of Mitt Romney and Meg Whitman! Talk about the American Dream! The end.

    Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end but just the beginning because The Nation Magazine got the scoop and before the issue even hit the newsstands, it was all over the internet and the TV and Lou wouldn’t even address the issue except on his radio program, I Swear Mr. ICE Agent, He Said He Was American!

    11) John Boehner


    “As my first official act as Majority Leader, I’m going to turn into Tantrum Boy and hold my breath and quiver my lower lip until the tax cuts are permanent for the richest 2%. And, trust me, NOBODY wants that.”


    Spiraling debt and a deficit. Rampant unemployment. Threats from terrorists. A deep economic recession. A nation desperately looking to the Republican Party for solutions. So what’s first on the agenda of Speaker of the House-elect John Boehner? Censoring a taxpayer-funded Christmas exhibit at the Smithsonian, David Wojnarowicz’s “A Fire in my Belly”. Which is somewhat reminiscent almost four years ago of the chocolate Jesus controversy that was actually closed down (Which was a shame, as that would’ve been a eucharist I could’ve gotten into). What offended Boehner (who admitted to not having seen the exhibit), Wild Bill Donohue of the Catholic League and even the Jewish Eric Cantor was the image of ants crawling over a crucifix to symbolize what it feels like to be an AIDS patient (Mr. Wojnarowicz died of AIDS in 1992). And it all started with a post and a letter to Congress by an elderly Newsbusters blogger named Penny Starr.

    Seriously.

    In politics, as with any other form of farce and comedy, timing is everything. And this was one of the first items on the agenda for both Boehner and future House Majority Whip Eric Cantor. Of course, this is no substitute for legislating on behalf of the middle class. If you want to know Boehner’s track record on that, just go here to see what a miserable failure he’s been and to get a preview of what a one man Titanic he’ll prove to be as House Speaker over the next two years. Note: The Smithsonian’s secretary Wayne Clough caved to the GOP’s and Bill Donohue’s homophobia and took the video exhibit down last month. This means we’ve hardly taken a step forward from the dark days of the 80’s when the world didn’t care to hear about gay men dying of AIDS in droves until Rock Hudson.

    10) You


    you might actually learn some dream that apparently flirts with secession and badmouthing the Chief Executive on the most patriotic day of the year. The Koch brothers have spent over $100,000,000 on right wing causes and have had almost singlehandedly funded Dick Armey’s FreedomWorks, were caught opening the cage door and letting out the lunatics who already slaughtered half your family would be a nice change of pace.

    But is that really surprising? After all, just three years ago, 25 % of us didn’t read books. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics last June, we spend almost three hours a day watching TV while our 15-19 year old kids spend a whopping five minutes every weekend day reading (meaning they don’t or won’t read unless prodded by the school system). When you look at statistics like that it’s no wonder people like Sarah Palin make $14,000,000 a year, half of that coming from an advance for a ghost-written piece of shit. So don’t complain to me about the quality of books, newspapers, magazines and news programs. They’re just doing what they do best: Feeding a demand, no matter how ignorant it is.

    9) The Koch Brothers


    Billionaire oil man David Koch, ironically, has at the American Museum of Natural History a dinosaur wing named after him. Last 4th of July, the Koch Brothers, Charles and David, financed what they fancied a patriotic day by inviting one speaker after another to denounce the President. The unctuous function, ironically, was called, “Texas Defending the American Dream”, a dream that apparently flirts with secession and badmouthing the Chief Executive on the most patriotic day of the year. The Koch brothers have spent over $100,000,000 on right wing causes and have had almost singlehandedly funded Dick Armey’s FreedomWorks, essentially a zombie factory that’s given us the Tea Bagger movement.

    The Koch Brothers freely trumpet their philanthropic endeavors but are conspicuously absent from such right wing Two Minute Hates. And what they publicize the least is the fact that Koch Industries is the world’s biggest polluter, far surpassing even the evil Exxon Empire. Just in the 90’s, their shoddy pipelines caused over 300 spills in five states. Over a third of that $100 million was given to global warming deniers like The Heritage Foundation, the Cato Institute and on an army of lobbyists that daily flock to Capitol Hill to block anything that may take even a dime out of their bottomless pockets. They’re a privatized Chamber of Commerce, which also spent $100,000,000 fighting the president’s agenda, and as such ought to be frogmarched into federal court for polluting the planet earth and doing their damnedest to undermine national interests. By extension, we ought to throw in Bush, who benefited from hundreds of thousands of Koch dollars and in return got 88 charges against Koch Industries dropped when he took power.

    8) Pope Benedict XVI and the RCC


    Newest Wikileaks communiqué: Jesus Christ to Pope Benedict XVI.

    “Dear Joey Ratso: Remember all that shit I said in the New Testament about nonviolence and all that pacifist hoo ha? Forget it. The gloves are coming off for the rest of your life. I’ll be there in ten minutes with my apostle posse and don’t try to run away, you evil-looking fuck. Love, JC”

    It’s easy to see why Jesus would be pissed off at the Pope and the RCC in general, aside from the Catholics hijacking Judaism, and all that. There’s the Godfather III banking scandal, the child molestation and coverup thing and even the Vatican’s ludicrous defense of Joey Rat’s record on disciplining child molesters within the RCC. Considering that Jesus had a following in the thousands and the Pope’s following numbers about a billion souls, I think the Lord and Savior would be especially pissed off at Joey Rat and his gangsters.

    7) The Republican Party


    WHO CARES THAT YOU’RE A LITTLE BIGGER THAN ME, YA FAT CUNT? IT DON’T WORK LIKE THAT AND IT DON’T MAKE YOU STRONGER THAN ME. ‘SIDES, YA WOULDN’T’A GOTTEN SO FUCKING FAT IF YA’D STAYED IN SHAPE AFTER HAVING MY KIDS. YOU GIMME ANY MORE LIP, YA FUCKIN’ WHORE, YOU’LL BEGGING FER THIS BELT AFTER I WHIP OUT THE PIMPSTICK. YEAH, YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT IF I USED IT ON YOUR JOBLESS PIECE OF SHIT RELATIVES, WOULDJA? I WORK HARD ALL DAY AND ALL I ASK FOR IS A FUCKIN’ BREAK ONCE IN A WHILE. THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR, YA LAZY CUNT? CUT ME SOME SLACK AND I MIGHT GIVE A JOB OR A HANDOUT TO YOUR LAZY PIECE OF SHIT KID BROTHER, IF I FEEL LIKE IT. COME TO THINK OF IT, I’LL START SMOKING THEM STOGIES YA HATE AND FART ALL OVER THE HOUSE, TOO, WHILE I’M AT IT. OH, YOUR WETBACK FRIENDS TURNED ON ME, NOW? OK, OK. NEXT TIME IT’S CHEVY NIGHT AT THE LOCAL GIN MILL, I’LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE GREASEBALLS. NOW STOP YER CRYING AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH IF YOU CAN KEEP FROM EATING IT BEFORE I CAN THEN GIMME SOME HEAD IF YOU CAN KEEP FOOD OUTTA YER MOUTH LONG ENOUGH, YA FAT BITCH.

    6) The Democratic Party


    He loves me. i know he does. He’s just trying to keep me on the straight and narrow. Whatever he does to me i have coming to me. It’s all my fault, so don’t you dare criticize him. You don’t know him like i do and you don’t see his good side. You’re talking about the man i love, the father of my children and my sole source of financial support. Yes, i remember him taking the kids hostage then driving his Ford Pickup into the house. But it made them tougher, less wimpy and it was a valuable teaching experience for them. His passions just get the better of him but that proves he cares. He loves me and whatever happens to me i deserve because his life is already so full of stress and the poor man works so hard. Besides, if i leave him, God knows who we’ll end up with and i don’t think i’ll ever have it better than i do now. Oh, shit, he’s home…!


    5) President Barack Obama


    Barack Obama’s first name depends on the political stripe of the person you talk to. Republicans will insist it’s Hussein while liberals, not altogether without just cause, will say it’s Toby. The problem is, it seems that our “Socialist” president seems to have opted for the latter. And the Chief Executive is virtually guaranteed to make a year-end retrospective like this for any one of a thousand bad decisions made over the course of 365 days. Indeed, it’s difficult to pick one let alone several without taking up more space than patience permits. Did he make it for the watered down health care bill, the equally diluted banking reform bill? Was it for running interference for BP or for downplaying 170,000 passengers getting groped by the TSA?

    Well, those entities and topics have been already been explored elsewhere on this list so, in the interests of getting to the root of the issue, let’s just say our 44th (or 43rd, depending on how much you follow the news) president made this list for thinking that he can make one conciliation after another to a fascist, racist entity like the Republican Party and still consider it compromise. Obama’s worst moment in 2010 was, IMHO, his presser on November 30th in which he blamed himself for the bipartisan rancor that’s paralyzed Washington since he was an Illinois state senator. In his capitulation speech that day, the President was sporting a fat, stitched lip from a basketball accident four days earlier but it looked for all the world as if he was a Stockholmed hostage roughed up by the GOP behind closed doors and forced to call himself Toby. He was about to freeze pay for federal workers for two years (saving a mere $60 billion if continued over 10 years) then caving capitulating “compromising” by permanently extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest 2% (costing $700 billion over 10 years). Barry, thy name is Toby.


    "Sure, no one is saying the bridge isn't out up ahead. But to my ignorant, fault-finding liberal critics I say the Republican Party will fix it before we cross that bridge!"

    Simultaneously, Mitch McConnell (R-Jersey Barrier) announced the GOP would hold the government and every needy person in America hostage (with Stockholming possible only in Tea Bagger circles) until tax breaks would be made permanent for the least needy and least deserving. Every Republican senator signed McConnell’s letter, proving that the biggest lie ever foisted on the American people this year was not the “jobless recovery” but that bipartisanship is our government’s Great White Hope.

    4) Tony Hayward and BP


    (Image courtesy John Aravosis)

    …a sonnet.

    Oh, BP, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
    Spending more time badly Photoshopping pictures so you can look busier than you really are instead of cleaning up the mess you created.
    Ruining the fishing industry then stiffing the fisherman you hire to clean up your mess.
    Claiming that these unpaid wages will be deducted from the $20 billion escrow fund earmarked for those devastated by your mess.
    Because your CEO whined about wanting his life back then went yachting in the Isle of Wight.
    Because your Chairman referred, just two weeks later, to the victims as “the small people.”
    For hiring a Blackwater-wannabe outfit to handle “security”, meaning keeping the press at bay.
    For using prison labor to save money and get tax writeoffs and then lying about it while denying residents the chance to make up income.
    For fucking up the entire Gulf Coast shoreline for decades, killing millions of animals, destroying entire industries and costing tens of billions in damage just to save a half a million dollars on a pre-emptive failsafe system and resorting to James Bond gadgets after the fact.
    Sequestering the 11 survivors of the Deepwater Horizon explosion from their families and legal counsel until they signed non-disclosure waivers.
    For trying to block and suppress photos of dead wildlife at the expense of the First Amendment.
    For spilling tens of millions of barrels of oil into the ecosystem and then lying about it.
    For providing an “oil spill response plan” that sounds like something written by the staff of The Onion.
    Balloons and ponies.

    3) The US Supreme Court


    Next to Bush vs Gore in 2000, the worst and most politically-slanted decision in the long history of the Supreme Court was last January when five justices ruled in Citizens United vs the FEC that American corporations and even foreign ones incorporated in the US, are able to give unlimited amounts of cash to political campaigns and to do so secretly. This breathtakingly, stupendously corrupt decision had plainly favored the GOP in the last election cycle and will continue doing so for decades to come.

    These right wing zealots were obviously basing their opinion that struck down an important provision in McCain-Feingold seemed to be predicated largely if not entirely on the fallacious claim that corporations are people and are entitled to free speech (aka Money Talks). Here’s the difference: People are occasionally put in jail for corruption and graft: Corporations merely live to donate another day without any of the transparency required of people like you and me.

    2) Tom Donohue and the US Chamber of Commerce

    Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy


    Vicious pricks like Tom Donohue and the US Chamber of Commerce are the exact reason guys like James Bond exist. What else can you say about a man who runs an entity that openly advocates outsourcing jobs for greedy corporations during a deep recession and 10% unemployment, spends $100,000,000 opposing the president’s every agenda and then pumps millions into Republican political campaigns from foreign entities without even having the cajones to fess up to it?

    Donohue and his Star Chamber of Commerce also bitterly opposed the creation of a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau largely because its then-presumptive head Elizabeth Warren would’ve bucked the system by simply doing her job. He's also begging for more cash to further gut the EPA. It’s one thing to safeguard the business interests of America but another thing entirely to bellow about the necessity to hollow out America by shipping badly-needed jobs overseas and accepting fungible payola in the form of “dues” to then launder and give to more pro-corporate Republican lunatics. 007, where are you and your license to kill when we need you?

    1) Sarah Palin


    It pains me to give a certifiable airhead like Sarah Palin top billing on even a list such as this. Generally, the top spots go to people who are in positions of power and influence and who make or enforce policy. Sarah Palin is none of those things. In the words of Pravda:
    By attacking the democratically elected President of the United States of America at a sensitive time in her country's history, she shows the tact of a boorish drunkard bawling obscenities at a funeral.

    Indeed, Palin has proven time and again to be a greasy, gnarled finger on the back tongue of America to the delight of 5 million intellectual bulimics in the Tea Party that think everything she does is in some way marvelous. She’s like a herpes sore that simply will not go away for even a week in spite of the few strong antibiotics we have. Now it’s up to Pravda, the former propaganda organ of the USSR, to represent the voice of truth and reason.

    While making up words on Twitter that become “the Word of the Year”, insulting the president while he was abroad, having the gall to take $7 million upfront for a book she didn’t even write, and claiming on her “reality” TV show that anyone can be independent and hunt for their caribou meat (provided you have about $43,000 to spare), this ultimate Fame Monster, if she were chosen by a superior extraterrestrial species as a representative sample of humanity, would help bring about an immediate invasion that perhaps may not be such a bad thing, considering Mankind’s current progress and propensity for rewarding the stupid and ignorant.

    6 comments:

    1. Excellent work. Can disagree with none of what I've read so far, I will read it all.

      Anthony McCarthy

      ReplyDelete
    2. Palin #1. I knew it!
      Thank you for this.

      ReplyDelete
    3. I have a tip jar, you know, if you REALLY want to show your thanks...

      ReplyDelete
    4. I liked the Buffalo Beast's list better. I think Beck and Brewer should have been higher, and since you're list isn't exclusively American, you should've added Justin Beiber.

      ReplyDelete
    5. Nice rip off of the Buffalo Beast. You yourself are an assclown.

      ReplyDelete
    6. "Ripoff"? Gee, I wasn't aware making such a list would be tantamount to copyright infringement. I guess I ought to lawyer up... assclown.

      ReplyDelete

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