They Have a Dream: If the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Was a Republican

The Pentagon's Chief counsel, Jeh Johnson, and the (snicker) National Black Republican Association keeps insisting that Dr. King, who'd preached and practiced nonviolent opposition throughout his entire life, was actually a closeted Republican and would've been happy to see us go to war with Iraq and Afghanistan. Actual Republicans just loves them dead liberals and Democrats like Dr. King, FDR and President Kennedy when it suits them.

So let's theorize what a Martin Luther King speech would've sounded if all these right wingers and war hawks were right in their daydreaming that Dr. King was one of theirs.

---

I had a dream.

I had a dream in which godless multinational corporations like Exxon, Halliburton and General Electric would eventually replace nations and political ideologies, a world in which these new nation states would hire Blackwater and other security firms to kill and subjugate the poor and brown who would stand up to them in the name of the Almighty dollar and it was good.

I had a dream in which these brutally, savagely avaricious corporations would lead us to The Promised Land of Iraq's oil fields and untapped trillion dollar mineral deposits of Afghanistan and work in solidarity and brotherhood with our lobbyist-infested Congress as they led us to a new frontier of corporate, industrial profits.

I had a dream, my Republican brothers, in which all men, black or white, yellow or red, male and female, adult and child, poor or middle class, would achieve equality and be subjected to across the board sodomy at the hands of these divine corporations, where a man is judged by his credit history score and not merely the content of his character, I had a dream!

I had a dream, my fellow conservative-Americans, in which the baby Jesus who had also practiced nonviolent opposition, would one day like a juvenile Scientologist cult member be shanghaied, reprogrammed and matured by my evangelical brothers and sisters and armed and militarized to reign supreme over the heathens in the Middle East and Central Asia.

I had a dream in which the First Amendment no longer constrained God Almighty and our armed forces would be properly evangelized, proselytized and churched in direct contravention of the establishment clause and the First Amendment.

I had a dream (Testify, my black Republican brother!) in which the greatness of this country and its most precious resource, the American people, would be sold piece by piece to Asian dictatorships and parted out like an old Ford Edsel, in which a man of education, training and experience could not get a job slinging hash in a fast food restaurant unless he knew the manager and was willing to work nights for minimum wage and no health care benefits.

I had a dream, brothers! I had a dream in which no shiftless, black welfare queen as described to us by our Great Communicator Ronald Reagan, may his soul rest in peace, will ever again drain the national coffers, in which every man, woman and child of all races, all colors, all religions and all creeds save the white and wealthy would have to relearn their frontier survival instincts and fight in alleyways and in dumpsters for scraps of cat food.

I had a dream, brothers and sisters, of a nation that is second to many and first to none, a nation so dumbed down by budget cuts to education and all Americans not in white, Ivy League colleges would have to educate themselves like their forebears, like my Republican brother Abraham Lincoln, who conditionally freed my ancestors and wouldn't've let me vote or let me hold public office.

I had a dream in which corporations would be judged as equals to ordinary American citizens, granted personhood by a misinterpreted Supreme Court ruling, a nation in which no corporation would be judged but by its stock portfolio and not on the content of its character, its morals and ethics and complete lack of a corporeal being.

I had a dream of an America such as this, brothers and sisters. But when I woke up I realized my divine dream had come true and we are in the Promised Land.

Hallelujah! Free at last, free at last, Thank the Lord, we are free at last to starve as men!