Sunday, October 3, 2010

Assclowns of the Week Midterms, #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition

¡Hola, amigos! Just when you thought things couldn’t get more bizarre on the seedy right side of the tracks, Sarah “I Said No to Phonics” Palin, Tea Partiers and the Republicans who love them shove our addled heads deeper into the rabbit hole of human lunacy. And really, folks, what did America truly need more than Karl Rove in a red dress?

There was a time when we all thought George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and the PNAC lunatics who loped across Capitol Hill like the upholstered jackals they are represented the worst that humanity had to offer. But then we elected an African American as our President and suddenly America regressed into an antebellum melodrama as written by George Orwell.

Now, successful and promising Republican campaigns are being waged not only against Democratic incumbents who apparently have never once thought to respond with competence, compassion, common sense and civility toward their base but also mainstream Republicans judged to be not cruel and heartless enough. So your porcine powerhouse thought it was high time he did a special election edition of some of the most notable psychopaths currently running for public office during the midterms. So hop aboard the Tea Party bandwagon and review some of the conservative darlings who will replace some Democrats and much, much more!

10) Scott “Dr. D” DesJarlais

As with so many other Republican/Tea Party candidates, Dr. Scott DesJarlais (TN-4) would at least promise to make Congress more exciting than the snoozefest it usually is on CSPAN. A couple of weeks ago, this is what Roll Call had dug up:
In a motion filed in November 2000, Susan DesJarlais sought to obtain sole possession of the couple’s home and claimed she was forced to leave the residence when her husband’s behavior “became violent and threatening.”

In that document, Susan DesJarlais accused her former husband of “dry firing a gun outside the Plaintiff’s locked bedroom door, admission of suicidal ideation, holding a gun in his mouth for three hours, an incident of physical intimidation at the hospital; and previous threatening behavior ... i.e. shoving, tripping, pushing down, etc.”

In another court document from February 2001, Susan DesJarlais asked that her husband’s visitation rights with their child be limited after he allegedly showed up at her apartment complex on Valentine’s Day and began harassing her to the point that she called the police.

That’s not the same family pictured above and on his official campaign website because Scottie’s since remarried and respawned. The bottom of the page reads, “Scott is Pro-Life, Pro-Gun, Pro-Marriage and proud of it!”

I guess so!

9) Pat Toomey

What follows below is a video unearthed by Democrats of Senate candidate and economic killer clown Pat Toomey when he was a US congressman and publicly calling for more deregulation of the banking industry that the repeal of Glass-Steagall brought about. Of course, the repeal of Glass-Steagall is one of the major reasons for the meltdown that started 7 years later when the housing bubble burst, inspiring a frenzied taxpayer bailout that will eventually cost the US taxpayer $11 trillion.

Since then, according to the Philadelphia Enquirer, Joe Sestak rival Toomey has seen the light and since his epiphany “Republican Senate candidate Pat Toomey has tried to distance himself from derivatives, which he once traded…”

Which, I’m absolutely convinced, is proof that Republicans do have a conscience and can feel remorse, right? Right???

8) David Rivera

Former Marco Rubio roommate David Rivera’s campaign website lists a biography that’s typical of a Republican. What’s missing is this infinitely fascinating biographical tidbit:
In August, CBS4’s investigative team reported on a 2002 incident where Rivera allegedly drove a truck off the road that contained mailers produced by his opponent. Rivera’s version of the story, told to CBS4, did not match up with the incident report or the truck driver’s and printing company’s stories. [CBS4, 8/17/10]

Days later, the Miami Herald reported on allegations – and a court record – that Rivera was accused of domestic violence in 1994. The Herald noted “inconsistencies” in Rivera’s responses to the allegations. While Rivera said he never met the woman, others said they saw the two together and the woman’s mother once worked on one of Rivera’s campaigns. The allegations were the subject of the mailers Rivera tried to stop from being mailed to voters. [Miami Herald, 8/19/10]

Even after Rivera tried to ram a box truck off the highway, he still won the election and is still in the Florida House of Representatives and even chairs the House Appropriations Committee.

Now he wants to get into Congress. Maybe, with his driving record, he’ll be able to get rid of that Congressional gridlock.

7) Jan Brewer

Bleach-blonde Crypt Keeper Jan Brewer, aka the Accidental Governor, made headlines all over the world earlier this year when she’d signed into law Arizona’s SB 1070, the bill that made fascism cool for conservatives again. She made headlines again with a brain fart during a debate with state Attorney General Terry Goddard that would’ve done George W. Bush and Jeanine Pirro sputter with envy.

But that wasn’t half as bizarre as Brewer claiming that decapitated bodies of Mexicans were littering the desert, a baseless assertion on which she’d had another brain fart right after the debate, then doubled down before finally being forced to admit wasn’t true.

When one thinks of former Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano’s elevation to Chief of Homeland Security, one gets the suspicion that President Obama didn’t think this thing through clearly.

6) Rand Paul

Ophthalmologist Rand Paul joins a growing list of anti-ObamaCare Republican doctors who are trying to flock to Capitol Hill like tee time at Augusta on a Wednesday. Another darling of the Tea Baggers, Paul made headlines before the spiked punch at his GOP primary victory party was even pissed out when he suggested to Rachel Maddow that he would repeal parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

Then he pissed off progressives again by coming out in favor of mountain top removal. Not long after that, Paul’s campaign did the inevitable thing: Made him inaccessible to the press.

Oh, yeah, and he also doesn't feel that federal fiscal restraint ought to extend into the megabucks he gets from the Medicare program.

5) Joe Miller

Sporting a thin beard in vogue 75 years ago with Emmett Kelly and railroad hobos, attorney Joe Miller had launched a Quixotic yet successful primary campaign that ousted incumbent Alaskan GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski. This forced her pull a Lieberman, thereby turning Alaska’s Senate race into America’s most unwholesome threesome since OJ, Nicole and Ron Goldman.

Miller’s credentials for succeeding in the senate even an oil rig tool like Murkowski are even thinner than his beard. Miller has gone on record as saying that not only would he try to repeal Social Security and Medicare, but that both federal entitlement programs are unconstitutional. He also thinks that Alaska, which had benefited over the decades from countless tens of billions in federal earmarks thanks to Murkowski, the late Ted Stevens and Rep. Don Young, should wean itself off federal money.

He also thinks that global warming is just a coincidence that has nothing to do with the tens of billions of barrels of oil that’s been pumped from Alaska primarily from the North Slope in the past 100+ years.

4) Tom Ganley

“I don’t get no pussy, no pussy at all!”

Maybe failed Ohio Senate contender and failing Congressional contender Tom Ganley should try running for public office in a district not numbered 13. Or maybe he could just stop groping women.

Until last month, the highlight of Ganley’s campaign was in funding a mailer from the Medina County GOP that suggested of his opponent, “Let's take Betty Sutton out of the House and send her back to the kitchen."

But then a few days ago the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported that Ganley was being sued by his own customer, employee and campaign volunteer for sexually assaulting her. Says the article, drawing directly from the complaint,
Ganley talked during the meetings about fixing her van for free, reducing her interest rate and giving her a job at a dealership, according to the suit.

In their second meeting, Ganley told the woman that he and his wife lead separate lives and live on opposite sides of their home, the suit says. In each of the meetings, the suit says, Ganley pressed her about what she does for "fun."

On her last visit to Ganley's office, Aug. 1, the woman said she dropped off her van for repairs. While she waited in Ganley's office, the suit says, he made sexually suggestive comments and invited her to join him and his friends at a condominium he owns in Strongsville. Ganley gave her a $100 bill and told her to buy some lingerie and high-heeled shoes, according to the lawsuit.

Ganley told her he wanted her to dominate her, parade her on a leash and have sex with her in front of his "play friends," the suit says. It accuses him of grabbing her from behind, wrapping his arms around her, kissing her and, despite her resistance, reaching into her pants.

The article then sums up Ganley thusly: “The 68-year-old Ganley has been married to his wife Lois, whom he met in elementary school, for 45 years and has four children and eight grandchildren, according to his campaign website.”

So this fat, GOP misogynist, who’s worth as much as $214 million, thinks it’s a good campaign strategy by fondling one of his employees, campaign volunteers and customers by asking her to be led around on a leash. And you all thought Karl Rove had his hands full grooming George W. Bush for office.

3) Sharron Angle

Watch Fox and give me money or my supporters will shoot you.

As with George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, John McCain, Rand Paul and so many other Republicans of late, Nevada’s Sharron Angle and/or her campaign is stiff-arming the evil lib’rul media that has the audacity to document their verbal idiocies. She made that plain when she admitted she goes on Fox “News” only when she needs money (Fox, amazingly, seems willing to be used as a cash cow for Harry Reid’s Republican challenger. I know, I was shocked, too.).

Angle is another of those Tea Bag Ladies that seems immune to any scrutiny let alone criticism from the gun-clutching Far Right no matter how stupid or misinformed her comments. Otherwise, how else can we explain the Angler giving Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid the fight of his life?

2) Christine O’Donnell

Does anyone else think it’s ironic that masturbation foe Christine O’Donnell, the GOP challenger for Joe Biden’s senate seat in Delaware, can appeal to so many Tea Bagger jerkoffs?

Some time in the fall of 2008, America had finally gotten in touch with its inner adolescent boy and cultivated a fascination with helium-headed cheerleader politicians and wouldbes. It all started with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (R-Stepford), who had helped produce the biggest bumper crop of female political losers and Christine O’Donnell makes Geraldine Ferraro or Hillary Clinton look like Bella Abzug, Eleanor Roosevelt and Barbara Jordan all rolled into one. Gravitas? Competence? Who needs that when we can have Sally Field wrapped in Old Glory and clutching a cross?

And no doubt the witch-fearing Palin is wishing she’d vetted O’Donnell better than McCain had vetted her two years ago since it’s been known for 11 years that O’Donnell “dabbled in witchcraft” and would’ve become a Buddhist if it wasn’t for her unwillingness to give up red meat. She’s lied about her resume… several times. She’s lied about her education… several times. And a candidate who claims having made just $5800 since 2008 has been found to be using $20,000 in campaign contributions for living expenses.

Still, since she had won the coveted “R” seal of conservative approval, the day after Election night, the formerly contemptuous Karl Rove and John Cornyn were forced to backpedal like Chinese high wire acrobats on crystal meth and lavish her with retroactive praise and money.

O’Donnell seems to have little appeal outside of the 30,000 people who voted for her in the Delaware GOP senate primary but the same could be said for Queen Pinhead before John McCain imported her to the mainland like oil-impregnated salmon. While O’Donnell has none of Palin’s viciousness and cunning, calculated mercilessness, the last thing post-election America needs is Palin v.1.0.1 .

But, just to let you all know that not everyone on this list is a political contender, I give you…

1) Rick Sanchez

It’ s not very often that a public figure like Rick Sanchez so thoroughly implodes his career with the meticulous care and planning of a World Trade Center demolition expert. After all, despite their indelicacies, Don Imus, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and other media figures remain employed after, at most, a brief sabbatical.

Rick Sanchez is something else altogether. During an interview with Pete Dominick, CNN’s Sanchez went after the Comedy Channel’s Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert for being “bigoted”, “uninformed” and for having an anti-Latino bias (Badly timed, considering what Mr. Colbert had just done for Hispanic migrant workers in Congress.).

But then Sanchez, in perhaps the ultimate mutually inclusive alienation of all time, also went on a bigoted, uninformed and anti-Semitic rant by claiming his soon-to-be former employer and all the media was run by Jews.

Let’s set aside the fact that Sanchez lost control of the wheel and veered and crashed into Tuckerville by accusing comedian Stewart for being “uninformed”: (a failing that, ironically, hasn’t spread to his viewers). It’s worthier of comment that Sanchez tap-danced on one of journalism’s few third rails by going all Billy Graham on satellite radio and making the Jews his Chosen People.

Next to me, Rick Sanchez is now the most unemployable man in America because, in the space of a few sentences, Sanchez managed to piss off both the Fox and MSNBC demographics and virtually everyone in between and immediately implode his career neatly in its own footprint.

Dishonorable Mention: Dr. Dan Benishek says on his campaign website:
From conception to natural death, all human life is sacred and must be protected. The inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are always relevant and should be respected.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you should pay your fair share for bringing that sacred life into the world, especially if you can get your child support judgment lowered by not declaring $100,000 of your annual income. I guess Dr. Dan thinks that court-ordered child support is another entitlement program that ought to be done away with.


  1. JP,
    I can't understand why you are not making a good living from your writing. You are one of the best.

  2. Well, it's a mystery to me, too, Mike. But there's always Paypal (hint, hint).

  3. Maybe Rick Sanchez can get a job as a taser victim tester. That seems to be one thing he's good at. What a job. Just sitting there while your co-workers shoot tasers at you.

    Great post. Good to have the assclowns back. I love the way you've decorated some of their faces. (Okay, I know some of them are real.) ;)

  4. Thanks, Wayne. Sorry, but only the writing is mine. I don't Photoshop. That's the work of others.

  5. I liked the post. Nice facial flair.
    What makes you the most unemployable man in the world?

  6. Hey JP--how about you run for Congress next time around? Seriously--you gotta be a better candidate than this bumper crop of loonies. I hear the pay is good.

  7. Mr. Wheels: I've thought about it but I'm allergic to assclowns. And my position paper would be a nightmare for both sides of the aisle.


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