Sunday, March 20, 2011

Super Troll to the White Man's Rescue

Something tells me this clown is white. I don't know. But while reading his profanity- and sexist-laden screed to Pam Spaulding for a post she wrote yesterday about Sarah Palin (claiming she would've won three years ago if she'd been at the top of the ticket), one can practically smell the golf club wax and mayonnaise.

Well, I can't resist jumping in on a good flame war uninvited regardless of what either party thinks. We liberals can't just let such idiocy go unchallenged. In fact, it is the intellectual imperative and moral responsibility of the intelligent and erudite to lampoon the factually challenged and willfully ignorant without quarter or mercy.

So, this one goes out to you, Bill Carpenter, Sr. of Auburn, CA.

First, in the interests of context, here's what seems to be his screed in full and before you read that, it might behoove you to read Pam's original post on Palin yesterday:
I want you to know EXACTLY who sent you this mail, I have guts similar to Sarah Palin and I dare you to challenge me concerning my view of you and your posting.

Bill Carpenter Sr
Auburn, California

I watched the entire interview ( LIVE ) so don't try to spread your bullshit around. Sarah Palin said no such thing. Only you liberal jerks would believe anything written on your pages. Look in the mirror BITCH, if you don't faint first you will see a serious lier. You wouldn't admit the truth if it was to your benefit.. Since I believe you are so stooooopid, the string end goes in last.


I don't know why she couldn't use his proper title, ( BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ASS HOLE IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE ) but Palin seems in many ways stuck back in 2008, constantly re-litigating her grievances and sure that if she just tells us that "candidate Obama" is inexperienced, we will believe her. It's as if she doesn't quite grasp that while she was doing reality TV shows, he's been in the White House. ( PLAYING GOLF, FIGURING OUT BRACKETS, WRONG I MIGHT ADD, ENTERTAINING MUSLIMS, BLACKS AND UNION LEADERS. ARE YOU TOO STOOOOPID TO SEE THAT.)

OK, Bill? You have tragically mistaken for a hero and someone with guts Sarah Palin, a vacuum-skulled mental anorexic who quit midway through her first and only term as Alaska's governor when the scandals got too numerous and when the call of the wild (crooned by opportunistic literary agents, right wing publishers and TV producers) was too strong to resist.

Perhaps it's because of Reagan's budget cuts to California's public education all those decades ago or maybe you were home-schooled and your Momma was busy singing Hosannas with you while she should've been teaching you real profiles in courage like FDR, Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy and virtually any other liberal in American history.

Whichever the case, it had obviously eroded your reading comprehension (and spelling) skills. Sarah Palin did, too, claim that she would've won the presidency if she'd been at the top of the ticket. Indeed, this is the sole moment of clarity that Palin has had since John McCain threw a dart at a US map in August 2008 and hit Wasilla. For the flannel-tongued Palin, this is pretty unambiguous. I would think you would be smart enough to see that.

But no. You had to go on a profanity- and misogynistic rant and defend a woman you likely have never met nor would likely ever meet (her security would plant you six feet under head-first were you to get within 10 feet of her, I'm sure), a woman who is as blissfully unaware of your pathetic, semen-flecked existence as she is of foreign policy.

Let me tell you one thing, Billy boy, and hopefully it'll rattle around in your head long enough to form some rudimentary neural groove: Your chosen heroine is a fraud. The only thing that is authentic about her is her ignorance and errant stupidity, ignorance and stupidity that is only reinforced by Teabagging assclowns like you. It's because of the support of racist, Pearl Beer-swilling shit stains like you and your ilk that Palin's head has swelled larger than James Sensenbrenner's ass. It is people like you who encourage her.

But you're not totally to blame, Billy boy, because you're just an anonymous foot soldier in the war on intelligence, job security and education. The real culprits are the spittle-flecked, predatory cocksuckers at Threshhold Publishing, the Discovery Channel, ambulance chaser-cum-literary-agent Robert Barnett and Fox "News" who saw fit to further bloat her unjustified ego, turning trash by a racist ghostwriter named Lynn Vincent into an instant bestseller (thanks largely to right wing organizations buying them up in bulk thanks to unconscionable buyers so they can then give them away at Republican functions.).

That is, they were piling money at her feet of Pla-Doh when they weren't mocking her behind her back under a cowardly veil of anonymity (thank God Nobel laureate Saul Bellow isn't alive to see his son Adam do to the family's literary legacy what 300 pound lifers do to newbies in prison showers).

She's hysterically hypocritical about the "lamestream media". She sneers at them with her trademark, spurned-head-cheerleader venom except when she's got another reality show or ghostwritten piece of tripe to sell, picks fights with late night talk show comedians, makes up words on Twitter and insults our President while he's on foreign soil (such as when he was in Hong Kong).

And, speaking of our president, he used to be a community organizer, a pretty damned noble cause, if you ask me, but now, thanks to 72,000,000 of us, he is the President of the United States whether or not your reptilian, racist pulp of a brain wishes to acknowledge that (By the way, his brackets were 80% correct out of 5 chosen).

It's notable that white supremacist groups, gun sales and militia group enrollment skyrocketed after the black guy took over. In light of these inconvenient facts, it is a cause of neverending mirth to see you people turn red and quiver your jowls with right proper white outrage at being labeled as gun-clutching racists. How come Tea Bagger rallies rarely feature faces that aren't white or sunburned? How come gun sales went through the roof when the black guy got elected, despite him having no agenda in the slightest to take away your guns?

How come the black guy is now at fault for a high unemployment rate, a spiraling deficit, two unwinnable wars? All these things and much, much more began when your dimbulb poster boy Dubya was illegally and illegitimately squatting in the White House like a noxious tick beneath the nation's dermis. But suddenly they're issues when a man darker than John Boehner is in the Oval Office.

Which brings us back to Sarah Half Term, a woman followed by scandal and rightful ridicule like stoners following the Grateful Dead. Yeah, she energized McCain's campaign for about 15 minutes (every idiot gets their 15 minutes and Palin's has been long overdue to end for over 2 1/2 years). And that's because she brought out every racist, gun-clutching, 1st cousin-fucking, right wing, nimrod nutjob in the land. In other words, people like you, Bill.

Then the inexplicable happened: Even Republican voters suddenly woke up and came to the conclusion that between McCain and Palin, they didn't know enough about the salient issues to challenge a 3rd grader. Palin did a Hindenburg in front of Katie Couric (then blamed Couric time and again for asking specific, blunt questions) and the McCain campaign was forced to turn her into Osama bin Laden and make her unavailable to the media.

She's spread lies about death panels, doesn't know what the Vice President's job would've consisted of, doesn't read newspapers, doesn't know the basic rudiments of intelligible English, is a fraud as an "author", is a fraud on her reality TV show and is a political fraud who never served a full term in any political capacity except as mayor of a one-moose town named Wasilla.

And yet, somehow, you've turned this woman into the next Joan of Arc so she can lead the poor oppressed white man to the Promised Land where white people are white, black people are black and that's the way it'll stay, where public unions have no power, no money and no way to protect their workers while people who can buy and sell your first born child 100,000,000 times over get one enormous tax break after another, in which the environment is shat on, consumer protections are gutted and in which Social Security and Medicare will be privatized and put on the craps table better known as Wall Street.

The greatest coup the Republican Party ever pulled off was during the Southern Strategy in which they convinced you mouth-breathing bigots that voting against your own basic interests by voting Republican decade after decade was the way to go. This mode of thinking, far from burning out or losing traction, had hideously bloomed to the point where you hold up as your right wing icon a hillbilly grifter presiding over a collection of adulterers, underachievers and future porn stars, someone who would sneer at you and have you publicly humiliated if you said you didn't plunk down $30 for her books or watch her fraudulent TV shows.

It is people like you, Bill, who are gleefully turning us into the third world country and banana republic we are, because you lack the inherent ability to more carefully choose your heroes and protect your, and our, mutual self interests.

May God have mercy on your soul, you pathetic waste of trace elements.


  1. You are the best.
    I love you JP!

  2. Thanks but it may mean more if I knew who you were.

  3. Wonderful, and accurate. I especially like "flannel-tongued"

  4. I'm just an old guy from NH that enjoys what you have to say and especially "da way how you says it".

  5. Well, don't be afraid to kick in to the Paypal kitty at the bottom of the screen if you got a few bucks. The missus and I could sure use the help, Mike.


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