Sunday, December 26, 2010

Top 25 Dick Cheney Facts

We've all seen the lists with thousands of Chuck Norris facts so I thought it was high time that someone compiled a list of Dick Cheney facts.
• Dick Cheney does not sign contracts with the Devil- He makes the Devil offers he can’t refuse.
• Dick Cheney’s burps smell like Iraqi infants.
• Dick Cheney is so evil serial killers follow him with notebooks.
• Dick Cheney shot 78 year-old Harry Wittington in the face because he reminded him of Santa Claus.
• Dick Cheney is so crooked when he threw out the first pitch at a Nationals game, it curved into the center field bleachers.
• Every time you hear a bell ring, Dick Cheney’s killed someone.
• There is no gravity. That’s Dick Cheney sucking the marrow out of the bones of Third Worlders.
• Dick Cheney doesn’t have heart attacks. That’s just Hell trying to break loose.
• Dick Cheney doesn’t have a defibrillator but a Halliburton pump station.
• People actually go fuck themselves if Dick Cheney tells them to.
• Dick Cheney’s new house is in the center of Mordor.
• Fox News is the nation’s highest rated cable news channel because Dick Cheney tells everyone else to tune in.
• Dick Cheney got five war deferments and five more deferments that kept him out of Hell.
• Nostradamus warned us about Dick Cheney.
• Dick Cheney never hired a Chief of Staff that didn’t have an FBI Behavioral Science profile.
• Dick Cheney plays Monopoly with real Middle Eastern countries.
• Dick Cheney doesn’t endorse candidates. He puts out contracts on their opponents.
• There’s no such thing as rain. Dick Cheney makes God cry.
• Conservatives aren’t stupid. Dick Cheney just sucks all the oxygen out of the room.
• Dick Cheney hasn’t lost weight. All his Wall Street buddies just got more bloated.
• The Republican Party insisted on tax cuts for the richest 2% so Dick Cheney wouldn’t snarl at them.
• Eve sprang from Adam’s rib but Liz Cheney had sprung from Dick Cheney’s bile duct.
• Dick Cheney doesn’t shoot game anymore but stalks and strangles them with his bare hands.
• Dick Cheney once made General Pinochet stand in a corner for an hour for not killing enough liberals in Chile.
• Dick Cheney is so evil he drinks Agent Orange as a soft drink.


  1. When Dick Cheney finally dies, I will celebrate!

  2. Gee, I thought this would be useful information and not stale Leno jokes.

  3. Unlike Jay Leno, I write my own material. So how can they be stale?

    Don't forget, Bub, I used to sell jokes to Rodney Dangerfield when I was 19.


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