Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Dear General God…

Dear Colonel Marsha Lilly:

I would like to learn more about CSF. At first, I thought it stood for “congestive soul failure” until I read your informative website. There’s some heathens like Mr. Mikey Weinstein of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation and Jason Leopold of Truthout who are telling us that your CSF program was created by the same man who did a study on the psychological effects of torture for the Bush administration. Please, Colonel, say it isn’t so!

Apparently, according to these Godless heathens Weinstein and Leopold, CSF, or what is really known as Comprehensive Soldier Fitness, is a litmus test guaranteed to make other godless heathens fail and to punish them for their spiritual flabbiness. Weinstein is doing an admirable job in drawing out the atheistic crazies who apparently thought the Equal Protection Clause of the US constitution was going to be observed when they first enlisted. But Weinstein is raising a big stink about the word of God being disseminated like semen in the Castro and is calling for a stop to this practice because, #1, it infringes on some vague rights also guaranteed in the First Amendment in the Constitution about freedom of religion and, #2 you know, the torture connection.

Now, you will never find a more staunch skeptic to this rabble-rousing by the MRFF and Truthout than me because I’ve been to your website, Colonel Lilly, and I never once saw the name “God” ever mentioned even under the spiritual fitness section of the CSF’s web page. In fact, there’s another fitness/litmus test called the “GAT”, or Global Assessment Tool, which is a wonderful old 1930’s slang term for “gun.” And what’s more harmless and secular than Jimmy Cagney or Edward G. Robinson, yet something that keeps the image of a gun firmly in their minds?

This gives rise to an idea that “Global Assessment Tool” put in my mind and if you like it, you can have it for free and run with it. It seems to me that the technology for a Global Assessment Tool is right around the corner. If we can somehow compress the officially secular disciplines of the GAT like we can a Global Positioning System, or a GPS, we’ll eventually get to the point where chaplains won’t even have to minister on the field of battle. Think about it. Mounted on the dash of any jeep, Humvee or MRAP, we can warn a soldier when he’s about to get spiritually lost. “Turn right and don’t even think about getting your cock sucked by that Jezebel in Central Supply or we’ll have to rethink your coordinates to heaven.” Huh, huh???

Now, according to documents obtained by Truthout, CSF is Army Chief of Staff George Casey’s #3 priority. CSF is devoted partially to spiritual healing and that evangelizing will help prevent suicides among service members, surely a worthy goal. Considering there were 244 Army suicides in 2009, with over 30 in June alone, with a 10% or more increase this year over last year, Gen. Casey should justifiably be alarmed about this. In fact, perhaps he ought to elevate it to his #1 priority.

Part of the reason may be the emphasis on “it gets better”, especially in the afterlife. Since a large percentage of these suicides are combat soldiers, perhaps you guys are a little too good at what you do when you describe heaven and obese little midgets playing harps and all, and these poor, lost souls are so excited about their Great Reward that they just can’t wait to get there. Hm, horrible, blood-soaked war zone or fluffy white clouds and Harpo Marx? Decisions, decisions. Just a thought.

Then again, there’s the other pesky angle: The shrink whose work inspired the psychological part of the torture Let’s Sit Down and Have a Nice, Earnest, Robust Chat About the Truth policy of the Bush administration is also the guy who designed your spiritual Jack Lalanne workout/juicer regimen. Junk psychologist Dr. Seligman, who certainly has the right ideas regarding one’s reasons for getting into mental health care, is such a happy, happy man (thanks largely to the no-bid, $31,000,000 contract he got from Uncle Sam last year), hardly one could accuse of inspiring and developing torture policies. Plus, the guy’s a Jew! A Jew spreading the word and gospel of Jesus? Puh-leeze!

So please edify me as to what your program actually does and aims to achieve besides making our fighting men and women go "over the hill" by the hundreds to their Great Reward sooner than expected?

Yours in and around Christ and thereabouts,

Robert Crawford

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