Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission

At one o'clock today, the President's Debt Commission, uncharitably called the "Cat Food Commission", released its list of recommendations for deficit reduction. Among the solutions proposed by the 50 page Simpson/Bowles report are reductions in funding to the National Park Service, the Smithsonian, National Public Radio and farm subsidies as well as reductions in Medicare, Social Security and raising the minimum retirement age. There was also, surprisingly, a recommendation for a cut in corporate tax rates. But what other changes in spending were proposed by co-chairs Simpson and Bowles?

  • 10) Cutting free movies when seniors volunteer for the Soylent Green Program.

  • 9) Free toothpick in every tenth can of Friskies.

  • 8) In lieu of combat pay, greater latitude for soldiers in war zones to take more bribes from war profiteers.

  • 7) Presidential debates to be waged between the two nominees with a single broken pool cue in an alley.

  • 6) Tax incentives to corporations who hire children under 14.

  • 5) Pampers and Huggies will come with large print instructions.

  • 4) Restricting Rep. John Boehner to one tanning session a day.

  • 3) Congressmen and Senators no longer able to get free health care for their mistress's pets.

  • 2) Mandate for all Wal-Marts to build more entrances, necessitating a need for more greeters.

  • 1) Social Security and Medicare benefits severely curtailed for those without pensions or Enron 401(k) plans.
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