Friday, February 25, 2011

What About the Little Swimmers?

Dear Congressman Bobby Franklin:

As a post-zygote American, I am heartened to hear that you have done your part to cover Georgia with more glory than Congressman Broun already has this past week by trying to make miscarriages a punishable and investigatable offense until proven otherwise. Since you're my parents' state congressman out of Marietta, I have to say I have a personal stake in the matter and am glad that Dad didn't use a condom or Mom a shook-up bottle of Coke during a certain beer-drenched night in the back seat of a Ford Fairlane behind the Bowl-A-Drome in Astoria, Queens in mid April, 1958. Obviously, you have my full-throated support. Boo yah and pass the see-gars!

Another post-zygote American, Jill Filipovic, has offered a crackling good suggestion on how to get a handle on this by offering her used tampons for investigation by the Georgia State Police, whose renowned crime lab can no doubt determine if any foul play was involved in the aborted fertilization of her 12 eggs a year. Indeed, any woman who does not conceive and birth monthly ought to be treated as a subversive to the white race.

However your proposed bill in the Georgia state house has overlooked a crucial component of baby-making and that is our little swimmers.

Hardly a Sunday goes by when I don't walk down the street and see used condoms on my very street after a night of reckless revelry the previous Saturday night.

Now, the medical zeitgeist claims that there are, on average, approximately 111,000,000-115,000,000 sperm cells expelled per ejaculation. That's over a third of the national population per spent wad, all of them dying like trout in a dried creek bed in a single Trojan body bag.

Plainly, this is mass murder. Women generally can only make one egg a month but men are constantly churning out hundreds of millions of viable little swimmers on a daily basis and every one that doesn't break through the ramparts and divide the prize by initiating mitosis is a scofflaw, a goldbrick and perhaps a homicide.

Therefore, Representative Franklin, I propose collecting all used condoms (or body bags, if you will) in Georgia so they can all have thorough body counts. With the aid of the best electron microscopes, that shouldn't take more than a few weeks per condom. The autopsies and DNA typing, on the other hand, might take a bit more time, patience and ingenuity. I don't know if they make scalpels and rib spreaders that tiny.

In the interests of forensic analysis, the best part about this idea is that unless the user was also wearing latex gloves, there ought to be fingerprints on them to identify these various mass murderers who are too cowardly to face up to fatherhood or to live dangerously. I mean, safe sex! Since when was sex ever safe?

Also, since every penis is different, my theory is that, like fingerprints and retinas, every penis makes its own unique imprint on the interior of the rubber, making identification easier through cross-referencing (In the event they were used for anal sex, I'd suggest wearing gloves when handling these used condoms).

I thoroughly hope this bill passes and that miscarriages, and cavalierly dismissed ejaculate, will finally get the attention from law enforcement and the Georgia Attorney General's Office they so richly deserve.

Your humble and obedient servant, sans latex,

Addendum: Obviously, either liberals or Karl Rove is controlling the email at the Georgia State House because this is the auto reply I got: "Due to the unreliability of the General Assembly’s technical support team, it is unlikely that I will receive your email. Please call my office at 404-656-0152."

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